The power of saying “NO”

And its relation with Assertive Communication — article by Mariana Mendonça.

When was it the last time you said “no” to someone?

There are different styles of communication but we need to be able to tell NO.

Most of us tend to have trouble in saying “no” when someone asks us something, even if we really do not want to do that. Well, when we say “yes” and all we wanted to say was “no” we are taking a passive communication style. A passive communication style is associated with the person not expressing his/her needs and wishes.

In opposite to passive, there is the aggressive style, characterised by an attitude of dominance towards the other. When we adopt an aggressive style, we usually focus on our own needs and wishes, not considering the others. Some people are very good in using a third one — the manipulative style. In this case, they do not really express their feelings or thoughts. They prefer to conduct the other into the action they want from them, without really asking for it.

Finally, we have the Assertive Communication Style

Being assertive is different than being rude… Or passive.

In which we respect both our and others’ feelings, thoughts and needs. When we are assertive, we can share our opinion without disrespecting others. This does not mean we have to be assertive all the time.

In fact, all the communication styles may play an important role in some moments — for instance, sometimes it is good just to let some things go without fighting too much, in a more passive way. However, being assertive is the attitude that allows us to make our point in things that really matter to us. It has everything to do with boundaries. Let’s think about this example:

Lucy is a sociable person. She enjoys being around other people and she has many friends. Lucy just started a new job and she is lacking time for her usual social routine. Since she is not used to say “no” to an invitation, she keeps going to every event, even when she did not really feel like doing it. Lucy is starting to feel tired and now it seems like she does not have the same fun even when she is hanging out with her best friends. Maybe Lucy needs to say “no” to some invitations in order to respond to her needs of resting, taking time to herself, or others that are not being respected (which therefore are contributing to her exhaustion).

Maybe Lucy needs to say “no” to some invitations in order to respond to her needs of resting

The truth is every one of us has some limits. Limits differ from individual to individual, and they can even change in the same person over time. No matter what, we should focus on knowing them very well. That is the secret to assertiveness. In order to respect my feelings, thoughts and limits, I have to know them. That is the only way to say an openhearted “yes” and a secure “no” when needed. Give yourself a moment to think about your own boundaries — the limits you should assertively establish, for others not to cross. The three next questions may help you in this process:

Which things do I…
… like and accept from others?
… don’t like but accept from others?
… don’t like and do not accept from others?

Do not worry if you do not find immediate answer to all these questions. We are not trained to look inside of ourselves.

So, it is like every other activity — it takes time and practice.